A moment of flickers

Hello. This was written from 1:36 am - 2:11 am on the morning of May 29, 2023. I had decided I'd go to sleep earlier than usual, but I couldn't. I had to write. I was inspired by my friend Tessa's story of a snake in the dessert, and the spiritual (probably not the right word) signs the universe leaves for each of us. This story was also inspired heavily by 'One more light' by Linkin Park. I recommend listening to the song while reading for the full effect. I am very proud of what I made here, tonight. Thanks for reading. Enjoy.

I look to the sky. A million stars flicker, and yet in a single moment, I still manage to see you looking down.

Lest I forget the past. Lest I forget what happened for me to have a second chance. Lest I forget why you raised me, why you loved me the way you did. Lest I forget what sacrifices you made so I could be happy!

Mother! I miss you! I miss your guidance! I miss how you held me, how you taught me, how you helped me think! I miss all of it! Why did you have to leave me!? Can't you see I'm nothing without you!? Look what I've become! I'm just a monster now.

I've always been angry. I've always hated how unfair it all was! We're all supposed to be better than this! Humans are supposed to help each other! Why were they all so mean spirited...

A million, and yet they still tried to ignore the signs! Who cares if one more light goes out? Well I do! I wanted to help them to not hurt anymore. I saw brilliance in these kids when the world was asleep. I saw how much they could be! This nation of abandoned people was worth more than any of them ever could be! So I stood up! I stood up damn it all!

I couldn't stand by and watch. I don't care what the world says. I don't care who cares, I do! I stood up for them! I protested all day and night, trying my hardest! I stood against it, damn it all I stood against it! I did what you wanted me to do mom! I stayed! I stayed!

Why didn't it work!? Why were they still thrown to the ashes!? Why, why does the world treat them like such shit!? I have to know! I can't live if I can't figure out why! We're all people, why are they looked down on!? I don't understand!

Would it have been enough for you, mom? Would you have accepted the hatred, and worked to fix it anyway? Would you have loved these people when no one else in the world would? Would you love the single moment, before the light goes out? Would you love these people? Would you demand to know why the world didn't? What would you have done mom!?

I love you. I miss you. I need you.

I couldn't stay anymore. I ignored the signs. I couldn't help them not to hurt anymore. The world was too much for them. The world was too much for me! I saw it, I saw it every day. Even that which I didn't see, I knew it was there. Every day I had to watch as another start flickered away, knowing hundreds more were being flickered out while I wasn't watching. What was happening around me!? This is insane!

Then the moment ended, and I couldn't help them not to hurt anymore. This is inhumane! How could a human, a living, breathing and thinking person ever consider this okay!? I can't. I can't anymore. I couldn't. I fully broke.

I pulled the floor from their feet. I sunk their ship. I took all of us down, to at least stop some of the pain. I did it! I saved some! A few lights would flicker out, but so many would be saved. I did the right thing! Surely mom! I did! I did!

But then the moment was gone. If a moment is all we are, I wonder how mines going to be seen, now.

I looked out on the beach one last time. I saw all my friends. I saw everyone I hid, everyone I tried to protect, everyone who I helped not to hurt anymore. I saw all of them! They were all there, mom! All of them! They came to watch!

They didn't cheer, mom. They didn't even smile. They cried! They all cried, mom! They watched as we sank, and they watched as I drifted further away from them! They missed me, mom! They didn't care! They didn't care how many had been lost! They never fought back! How the hell could they have that much strength, mom! How did you!?

How did you watch so many stars flicker out and never raise a finger to fight!? How did you never hate them!? How did you never even resent them!? How!? How!? I didn't even live this, mom! I didn't have to watch my loved ones die, but I still resorted to violence! I stopped helping others not to hurt anymore, I just hurt!

It was all in vain. They brought more ships. They burned the whole forest down, mom. They poisoned each of them slowly. They hurt them so bad! They hurt them until it wasn't possible to hurt them anymore! Why! What did these people ever do!? What the hell was all this fighting for!? It's not fair! The whole world pretends it isn't there, but I see it! I saw it all! Fuck me, I saw it all! I could feel all of it! Every single death, every single stab, and pillage and pain, I could feel all of it! All of it!

They never wanted me to fight back, mom! They wanted me to help! All they wanted, was just for me to help! I wasn't strong enough mom. I had to fight back! I had to! For my sake! For my sake, I had to fight back for them mom! I wasn't strong enough, mom. I couldn't stop the cycle. I just made it worse! They're all gone now. They have to be. I couldn't stop it mom! I miss you. You always knew what to do. You always knew how to handle this! My nature is violent, mom. I tried forever not to be. I tried to be like you! You always made the difference for me, mom. Without you, I just couldn't do it! It's not fair! This whole world isn't fair!

I wish I could hold you right now, mom. My times almost run out. My moments almost over. No one cares if my light goes out anymore, mom. I don't even care. I don't think I should care. I look up, and I know you're still up there. The special light I see every night, I know who's up there. I know you see me. I know you see what I did! I'm so sorry, mom. I'm so sorry, I failed you! You gave me the chance to be happy, and to help people. Look what I've done with it! How can you ever forgive me!? I can't even forgive myself...

But I know you'd be able to. You're just better than I am.

I don't want to do this, mom. I want to try again! But I can't do this alone! The worlds asleep, but mom, I know you're still watching me. Mom, if you can find it in yourself to save my moment, please, help me. Help me not to hurt anymore! Just because I can't see you doesn't mean you're not there! Help me mom! Please!

...

...

...

I love you, mom. I love you, so, so so much. Thank you. Thank you for helping me, again. I love you. I love you so much... I'm so sorry. I can't believe I almost did it. I can't... I can't believe it. I love you. I'll try again. Thank you mom. I know I can do it. I knew you were out there. Thank you.

Every star in the skies flickered brightly that night, even if just for a moment.

No one knew why, except for him.