Betwixt and between

I am in a land betwixt and between. I am in a world where restoration is both the objective, but merely a dream all the same. I am in realm of which there is no consequence and yet consequence is the only thing of which there is. I am in limbo.

My name is Rhydian, and I am between the world of past and the world of future. I did not live a life of individuality, and my actions were never my own. I made very few solid decisions on my own, and none of them had lasting impact. When I look in the mirror, all that gazes back at me is a woman waiting on orders. The girl in the mirror nods when she receives them. I was not a solider, and I did not go to war. I did not have duties and I had few responsibilities. I simply lived a carefree and uninspired life, far away from anything with true importance. It was a good life, and I don't regret it. There is a beauty in allowing circumstance to guide the currents of your life.

Now though, I cannot go with the rivers. I cannot let the currents take me to where I’ll end up. Both because there's no water here, and because my the cause and effect of what happens on this plane is determined entirely by me. I can’t let the flow take me because I myself am the flow. There is only decision. Pure decision.

My name is Rhydian, and I am between the world of the honourable, and the world of the abstain-able. I am dead. I was arriving in to work where I pump gas for a living, when a fire broke out at the gas station. The fire was wide and all-consuming. A more devote man may say the fire was sent on purpose, in order to swallow some who were unfit to exist in this world. I call it a freak accident. The fire had me caught in the crossfires, and so my flesh, bone and brain burnt away. It was a painful death, but I don't feel anything now.

I‘m recording my journey in this journal of mine for my own use, and maybe for another’s if they find it. If someone found this, maybe it’d help them. It’ll probably help me, too. After all, I don’t know what this world’ll be looking like. I don’t want to forget why I’m here. Why I’m fighting to go to the heaven side.

I am in a land betwixt and between. I am a world where restoration is both the objective, but merely a dream all the same. I am in realm of which there is no consequence and yet consequence is the only thing of which there is. I am in limbo. My name is Rhydian, and I am between the world of past and the world of future. This is my story.

It’s been two days since my death in the mortal world. Since then, I’ve made some solid choices, I think. When I first spawned in here, all I had was this little notebook of mine I had on me when I died. I’ve just been wandering around since. This place is surprisingly not that bad. The temperature is nice, it smells good, there isn’t as much hellish shrieking as I thought there’d be, it’s nice. Biomes are beginning to form. I’m seeing jungles, savannahs, forests, tundras, and so much more, all without having to feel the terrible temperatures they’d bring. I don’t have to eat either. I have yet to encounter another person or anything else alive, so I haven’t had to make a decision of importance so far. That‘s alright. I don’t mind not seeing others. The reclusiveness of it‘s honestly all kind of beautiful. I’ve always preferred being on my own.

It’s now been ten days. Still no people, but I’ve found animals. I’ve found deer, tigers, brown bears, small snakes big birds and all sorts of other creatures! I’ve seen some animals I didn’t even know existed, some animals maybe no body knew existed. Some have been hostile but most haven’t been. The ones that were hostile didn't stay hostile. They snarled a little before trying to leap at me, but it never hurt. The first time I was scared, a cheetah jumped at me and tried to bite me, and he did, but nothing happened. The mark he would’ve left on my shoulder was non-apparent, and I didn’t feel a thing. Since then, I haven’t been scared of much in this world. Not much can hurt me and nothing can kill me. I’m already dead after all. Nothing can take me down.

A month has passed of living among animals. I’ve been living in a dense jungle, moving every day throughout the tree covered terrain with my tiger. I named her Alexa. It’s been amazing. I haven’t felt this at peace with myself since... ever I think. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so happy. Living here without a bother, without a decision having to be made, without a person having to be spoken to, this is all I ever wanted. I’m happy here. It’s a shame that this place is where it’s decided whether I go to heaven or to hell. If only I could live here forever. Who knows, maybe heaven will be just like this. Maybe, by making the decision that I want to stay here, I’m making the right decision, because I’m choosing to stay happy where I am. The flip side is also true. It could be the wrong decision, maybe this is selfish of me. There’s no other people here besides me, though, so who am I really hurting? The animals? The animals don’t care. Alexa’s been following me around for weeks without complaints. What was wrong with living this life that had just happened for me? I’m happy here. Yeah, I think I’m going-

Sorry journal. I got cut off. There was a scream in the distance. I thought I heard someone I knew, so I went to investigate. I turned a corner, and saw a young girl who couldn’t be older then seven. She was wearing a dirty tee shirt and small, cheap jean shorts. Her hair was a mess and she smelt like mud. Clearly, this girl wasn't having the same kind of experience I was here. I went up to her to see why she'd screamed. Here's the conversation we had.

"Oh my goodness, are you okay? Why were you screaming?"

She just stared at me.

"Are you hurt in any way? I can give you some water to help the pain." She continued to stare at me, a bit of fear in her eye and quivering in her lips. Either this girl didn't speak English, or there was something seriously wrong. I thought up different ways to communicate with her. My first was a simple thumbs up. She continued to stare on. After that didn’t work, I tried giving her an orange that was growing near me. See how she’d react. I extended my hand towards her. She reached out and took it, but didn’t eat it. She just held it. I tried singing twinkle twinkle little star to her, see if she would respond to the rhythm of the song. She just sat still, having no responses at all. Finally, I tried to motion for her to follow me. I waved for her to follow me as I started walking back to my shelter. She didn’t follow. Without a way to talk to her, and a tad bit frustrated, I simply walked back to the tent, leaving her there in the jungle. As I walked away, head always facing forwards, I turned backwards to see if whichever threat she was fearful of had returned for her, in which case I’d be able to show her that I wanted to help. She wasn’t there when I looked back. This was the first other person I’d seen down here, and I didn’t know if she was a real person or not. Here’s hoping she ends up okay.

Its been a month and a few days since I got here. Most of my days since my last report were used to just walk around. Most of them I felt blissful with Alexa. Today is about to be very different. I’ve found an end to the jungle that I’ve called home for these past couple weeks. On the other end of it was a desert, and a hot desert at that. I don’t feel temperature in this place, so I don’t care. Alexa on the other hand isn’t having such a great time. Her paws are turning red. We probably could’ve stayed in the jungle for his sake, but I guess it’s too late to turn back now. I just hope we’re able to find shelter soon.

Its been a month and two weeks now. I found Alexa these little shoe things along the way earlier on that let her walk, but she’s still suffering. It’s too hot for all the fur she has on her. I need to find somewhere cooler for us to stay otherwise her odds aren’t good. I can’t lose Alexa!

It’s been ten minutes since I wrote that. We lucked out big time. In front of me is this big fortress looking thing. It looks to be three stories high, and looks to be made out of wood. There’s also a giant skull at the helm of the building. That’s not looking like a great sign but we aren't in hell so it shouldn’t be that bad. I’m going to try knocking at the door, see what happens.

They let me right in. The wide doors opened wide open and I was allowed to walk right in. There’s air conditioning in here, too. Alexa looks better already. The people in here who were in here were so kind. They allowed Alexa to rest up in one of their beds, and they brought tons of water for her to drink. They even got some to pour on her. I think she’ll make a full recovery. These people are being so kind and welcoming to us. I didn’t even get their names. After they helped out Alexa, I stopped and talked with one of the people who welcome’d us in in the first place.

“Thank you so, so much for letting us in, sir. You saved my tiger’s life!” “No problem. It’s what we do. We all help whoever comes along in this place.”

“Well that’s very noble of you all. Thank you again. So what is all of this?”

“This is The Median. It’s a small city like shelter for people passing through David’s desert, like you. We help people’s animals, anxieties, and after life attrition here. Some folks don’t like the idea of an afterlife. Some felt they could've done more in the realm of the living. Some can’t leave without their special someone. Some just wanna stop existing all together. We help them all out. Sometimes they just walk without a reason, just for the sake of the walking. That you, ma’am?”

“Yeah, yeah it sure is. I dunno. I really like it here. I don’t have any issues or drama or responsibility or anything. I get to just be myself.”

“Lemme ask, do you wanna go to an after life, lady, or do you wanna stay here?”

“I honestly don’t know. Do you know what it’s like when we leave Limbo?”

“Can’t say I do, I’m afraid. I’m still tryna earn my way up there with the good I do here. Me? I stay here cause I like helping folks. Hasn’t gone along right. It’s s’posed to be the way you get up there, but I guess not. I don’t mind, though. I’ve got my friends, my family, and my good spirit. Don’t have to eat or drink to survive, either. I’d bet, though, if you really want more, then you gotta go out further into the desert.”

I said thanks before walking off. I could’ve volunteered to stay in the city, to stay and help out travelers, but I wanted to go and see what was out there with Alexa. See what else the world around has to offer. It’d worked out so far. Just me and my cat. I was new to this whole making my own decisions thing, but surely it wouldn’t be that wrong to go and do something for myself, right?

It has been two months since I ended up in Limbo. I had to leave Alexa behind. It wouldn't have been good for her to keep going through the desert. I could've stayed with her, made her feel comfortable around strangers, but those people were all so nice. She'll thrive at The Median. She'll probably have a better life with them then with me anyway. I continued on my trek through the desert, eager to find what Limbo had to offer me. I haven't seen anything but sand for a while now. No animals, no people, no nothing. Just sand being lifted through the winds across the land. What’s more, the more I've walked, the more I've started to... feel. I can't explain it. I just feel... more. I didn't really feel anything physically when I first got here, but over the course of this desert walk, I've started to feel. I feel the sand caressing my arms and dirtying my t shirt. I feel it in my hair, along my face, and on my cheeks, both kinds. This wasn't happening before. I don't mind the feeling of the sand as of now, but it could be a problem if I keep feeling. I've got to get out of this desert.

It's been three months now. Desert knows no ends. In fact, the winds become worse. To top it all off, I've been feeling more and more with each passing day. The wind has become harder to deal with. One week, it was just a tap on my skin. Nothing major. Another week, and it evolves into an all-covering feeling, like wearing clothes. You notice it, but you get used to it. One more week, and its starting to hurt. I feel it knocking into my skin, like a constant sand-based slap tapping at my flesh. Finally, this week, it's been the worst. I can't walk ten feet without collapsing to the ground, and those ten feet are impossible. The wind is so strong. On top of feeling like a bus is ramming me every step of the way, the constant sand on my flesh burns. It burns so bad. I died in a fire. My flesh was burnt, but it didn't last long. This... this is eternal. This is unfathomable. Every second burns. My skin is stimulated entirely in pain every second of every minute of every hour of every day and I can't take it. I can't take two seconds of it, but I'm forced to take a full week. I don't know how long this'll go on for, but I can't die. I've tried. There was a cliff. I tried to jump off of it, pray I land in heaven and not hell. I felt every bone in my body break. I could individually feel every 206 of them shatter beneath the force of the fall, but I could still walk. I could still move my joints and my heart still beat. I can feel pain, but I can't die. This is worse then death. This is living death. If this is what hell is going to be like. I need to end up in heaven. This can't be my destiny. I thought this was supposed to be Limbo. We're supposed to determine if we go to heaven or hell here. Am I already in hell? What did I do to deserve this? I tried to help that girl. I didn't mean to hurt Alexa, and I helped her recover. I just want to walk. Why did this hit me?

Month four. A full month walking through hell. The sand has gotten so bad I can't see two feet forwards. The burning sensation still lingers on my skin but it's been manageable. You get used to constant suffrage and pain after awhile. You harden hard enough to not need healing. Another problems come about, though. Hunger. For some inexplicable reason, I've become hungry like I was when I was alive. I was always hungry when I was alive. I ate a lot, but usually I let just a little bit of food go to waste. Wasn't hungry enough to finish. I'm feeling that same hunger. Only difference is there's not a grocery store or Wendy's burger joint near me. I've learnt to endure the winds as I've walked my straight forwards path, but hunger will become intolerable very quickly. I need to find shelter, or food, or just something. Otherwise I don't know what I'll do. I'll just have to keep going forward and pray I find something soon.

Thank god. It’s been one extra day and I’ve found some shelter. In the distance, there’s a wooden shack shaped kind of thing, but bigger. Big enough for a few people probably. Maybe they’ll have food. I’m getting so hungry now. If nothing else, it’ll be a few days relief from the desert winds. I’ll take anything I can get.

I approach the building, t shirt unrecognizable through the months of strong sand winds. There is but a small, wooden door with a metal ring as the doorknob. I pull on the ring. It breaks off. I push the door opening, realizing it was a push and not a pull. Common misconception. The inside looks smaller then the outside, but then it could just be the ominous man sitting down, watching me.

A tall and large man wearing riot gear and a black helmet and mask stares at me, unmoving. He’s got a large, black mace in one hand and a pizza box in the other. Behind him, shelves upon shelves of water and pain killers. Exactly what I need.

I start with communication. I try and wave and say hello, but as I raise my hand, he stands up and swings at me. It hits me square in the cheek, and I can feel a swelling on my bone. Physically you’d never be able to tell, but my god it hurts.

I hear him roar. This thing is not a man. I don’t know if I‘ve found an alien or an angry Russian, but either way I’ve endured enough pain for today. He raises his club once more and tries to slam me from above. I back up just barely enough to avoid getting hit again. He’s strong, but he’s also slow. Even if I’m no fighter, I’ve got speed on my side. He raises his club back up, and charges towards me. He’s only five feet from me, so as he runs, I quickly move to the right and pull open the door, shafting him out into the desert winds. He trips and falls perfectly outside of the small shack we’ve both found ourselves in and falls into the de-powering desert I’ve called home these past months. He clearly isn’t as hardened by it as I am, so when he falls, he stays down.

He tries to get up. He lifts a knee, lifts an arm, even looks at me with all the rage in Limbo, but he goes down. He stays down. I watch the desert sands cover him. Part of me feels resentful for him. Part of me feels validated to see him die after dealing with the sand for so long. I close the door on him, his black mace sticking out above the sands as he washes away.

I dig in immediately. The pizza box was a pepperoni bacon, my favourite. I take one bite, and I’m instantly overwhelmed. This is what I’ve been missing. Not solid ground or people or Alexa, nothing. I’ve missed this. This food and the things I like. I have my silence and recluse, and I have my food. This is all I need. I want to keep it this way as long as I can, and I am so hungry. It doesn’t last.

I hear a knock at the door. Thinking it’s mr black mace again, I put down the food and stance myself, going low so he can’t hit me as easily.

I pull open the door, and see an old Chinese man. He’s wearing a blue and white button up shirt and black tie as well as an expensive suit jacket and pants. He has high end dress shoes and glasses.

What could this guy possibly need?

“M-Ma’am... Please... sp-spare food?”

He looks at my pizza, then stares at it, his eyes lust with desire. I yank the box back behind my back. He looks heartbroken.

“Please... I’ve been walking for years. I’m so hungry, so weak. Anything, please.”

“I don’t believe you.”

The man stares at me, shock in his eyes.

“If it’s been years, why are your clothes so clean? Mine are unrecognizable.”

“I- I do not know. This place is senseless. No rules. I don’t know why it works this way. Please, I am so hungry.”

I considered it. This man was clearly suffering, and clearly weak, but I was weak, too. I’ve been so hungry these past days, and this is my favourite pizza. I mean c’mon, look at him, too. Clearly he was well off. He probably was CEO of some atmosphere polluting, nature ruining, turtle killing shithead company profiting off of the poor. He probably doesn’t deserve heaven, or this pizza.

“No, sir. This is my food. Good luck to you.”

Heartbreak fills his eyes. I hesitate, but I close the door on him.

I don’t hear him after that. No knocks. No questions. No trudges of sand being moved as he walks through. I just don’t hear him. Maybe it’s the pizza. Either way, he’s gone. I take another slice, and bite directly down the middle. I feel replenished with each bite.

The pizza box becomes more and more empty until there’s no slices left. I grab some of the pain killers off the shelves, and slide deeper into my chair, dreading my eventual return to the outside. I know I have to keep going, but first, I could use a minute. I close my eyes, just to let them rest after all of what just happened. Ended up dozing off.

I don’t know how long I slept for, because when I wake up, I’m not in David’s desert anymore. I might be, but it’s not a desert now. When I wake, I’m still in the same shack, but that shack doesn’t quite have a desert surrounding it.

I step outside, and see nothing but green. A few trees, but it’s mostly green grass surrounded by greener grass. The sun shines on a beautiful day as it holds still high in the sky. What is this?

As I step out of the shack, objects in the distance start to come into focus. I see tall blurs, then loose outlines of people, then their faces come into focus. They’re walking towards me. I see the little girl. I see the men from The Median. I see the Russian alien thing from earlier. I see the man in the suit. I... I see Alexa. They stop twenty feet from me, eyes all narrowed in on me, disappointment clouding their faces. They’re motionless, and their lips are sealed. I try to call out to them, but I can’t. I don’t know their names. I never asked.

A red bolt of lightning strikes the ground, five feet from me. The bolt comes from the sky, grabs hold of the grass, and let’s it go, all in a split second. Emerging from the bolt is a middle aged Asian man wearing blue body armour with what looks like the sun on his chest.

“Rhydian Colt Davis, you are hereby condemned by your God, king, and creator, to live the rest of your life in a hell of your own mind. You will remain in David’s Desert for all eternity to come, hungry and alone. May your lack of human experiences be your sole recluse in eternal life.”

I panicked.

“Help!”

I called out to all those surrounded, but they provided no answer.

“These constructs you see before you do not live, anymore. They were beings who had been in this world before, and found their way to heaven. All except for this man.”

God walks over to the man in the suit.

“This man had made the same choices as you. He had chosen his own selfish ambition over so much as staying to help his daughter after she’d broken her leg. He continued through David’s desert, looking for the lust of adventure he lacked in his first life. He would spend years walking through David’s desert, the same as you will now, too. Pray that when you walk, and you stumble upon another live inhabitant, they extend to you the kindness you would never have extended to any of these.”

“What else would you have me do, god?! You give me exactly what I want in life for weeks on end, and then you, what? Throw some girl I can’t communicate with at me, and expect me to save her life? Have me stumble on some good hearted union where I’d be unhappily tied down forever and expect me to stay? You can’t expect me to help people out by doing something I hate! You can’t starve me for months, and then give me my favourite food and just, expect me to give it up! That’s not fair to me! Why do I have to endure eternity because I made the choices anyone would make!”

God pauses, and does not give me an answer.

“You are not one to question your creator. I did all things. You should not question my wisdom. For your crimes of selfishness, you will be sent to a desert far worse then David’s could ever be. So says your God, king, and creator. I have spoken.”

He claps his hands and disappears into the lightning bolt once more.

“You son of a bitch! Come back here, you manipulative shit head!”

The green grass dies into dead sands and the few trees turn to dust as the shack falls apart in front of my eyes. I see dunes rise and the sun get blotted out before my eyes as a large hooded cloak is formed around me. The sands are strong, and I can feel them burning. I hold my cloak tight, knowing this will be my life forever more. At the end of the day, who would you blame?

So there you have it, Limbo livers. It’s been a long time since my encounter with god, and I’m just now remembering I had this. I’ve walked these dusty dunes for so long, I can’t remember how long an hours supposed to be.

Whoever reads this, I hope you make the right choices, because I know, that God’s world is unfair, and it is bias. Be careful of your faith.